


Time Bandits: a Novelization

by RevieWriter



Category: Time Bandits (1981)
Genre: Adaptation, Novelization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-04
Updated: 2013-05-04
Packaged: 2017-12-10 08:59:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/784236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RevieWriter/pseuds/RevieWriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever wondered what Kevin was thinking as he and his companions approached the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Time Bandits: a Novelization

They had been walking for hours now. There was nothing in sight besides the pebbly ground and a few skeletons scattered across the horizon. At least the fog had cleared up. It was now a perpetual sort of twilight or at least the sun had not moved since they had begun. The group trudged along slipping and sliding over the uneven stones. Kevin was getting tired as they had not taken a rest since they had escaped the giant; the Time Bandits looked worn out as well.

‘The fortress of ultimate darkness is somewhere over there, I promise you!’ Randal declared pointing off into the distance while staring at the map as if it contained the secrets of the universe, which it coincidently did.

Wally however wasn’t so sure, ‘Oh you’re joking Randal, there’s nothing over there’ he accused as he gestured wildly towards the horizon and the never ending desert that stretched in all directions.

‘But look we’re so close!’ Randal insisted.

Wally panted exhausted, tired and just a tad hysterical ‘you’ve been saying that for the last forty miles.’ 

Kevin wasn’t sure that they had traveled quite as far as Wally thought. They had been walking for an hour or so and it was hard to tell when the sun didn’t move, but Kevin was pretty sure they had only walked 10 miles at the most.

‘Let’s go back; we’ll all die out here,’ suggested Strutter. 

‘Yeah!’ the others agreed.

‘We can’t give up now’ Randal replied firmly glancing up from the map with a glare.

‘When can we give up?’ whined Fidget.

Kevin agreed with Randal. They had come too far to turn back now; then again he didn’t even want to be on this adventure anymore. He would have been very happy if they had left him with King Agamemnon. Kevin wondered if they would let him go back after Randal had found this Fortress of Ultimate Darkness place.

‘Come on it’s just a bit further!’ Randal insisted. He might have continued but at that moment he and Hog came to an abrupt halt with a dull bang. Curious Kevin and the rest of the group approached to see what had happened. Each of the Time Bandits walked head first into the obstruction and jerked back with surprise. Kevin decided a head injury was the last thing he needed and so approached with arms stretched out in front of him and was therefore slightly less surprised when his hands came into contact with what appeared to be an invisible barrier.

‘What is it?’ asked Strutter.

‘I donno. But it hurts,’ said Hog pressing his face against it as if, if he tried hard enough it would go away.

“It’s some kind of invisible barrier,’ answered Kevin as he pressed his hands to it to be sure that it was an invisible barrier and not an invisible door or a particularly large invisible car. Superheroes had enough of those that Kevin wouldn’t be particularly surprised if one happened to have been lost. He was convinced his hypothesis was correct as he could not find any invisible doorknobs or wheels just a smooth barrier from ground to sky, or at least as high as he could reach.

‘Ah! So that’s what an invisible barrier looks like!’ Fidget exclaimed momentarily excited at this new find and his companion Kevin’s knowledge.

Randal was not impressed by the invisible barrier or at how clever Kevin was to have known the invisible barrier was in fact an invisible barrier. Randal was once again staring at the map and muttering to himself.

‘It’s what this line must be, and just on the other side the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness,’ Randall glanced around with wild eyes and suddenly shouted, ‘WE’VE MADE IT LADS! WE’RE HERE!’ a delirious grin spread across his face.

Wally was a bit incredulous, ‘You’re mad, Randal! Your brain’s gone, do you know that?’ 

‘I promise you this is it! WE ARE HERE!’ Randal yelled again re-examining the map once more.

‘We’re nowhere, Randal!’ Fidget exclaimed.

‘Yeah, look around there’s nothing!’ Wally gestured wildly; everyone took a moment to glance around as if within the last couple of seconds they had been transported somewhere else. It wasn’t a farfetched assumption considering how many portals they had jumped though. 

‘There’s only one way to go now,’ Randal said with a determined look.

‘That’s right!’ Wally agreed ‘Back! Come on,’ e said to the others, pushing Randal out of the way and striding back the way they had come’ exhausted but reenergised at the thought of giving up on Randal’s seemingly hopeless scheme the group followed.

‘Listen! No stop!’ shouted Randal jumping in front of them.

‘Get out of the way Randal’ Demanded Wally.

‘Listen to me!’ Randal insisted.

Wally did not want to listen. ‘Get out of the way,’ he repeated, but this time he shoved Randal to the ground.

Randal’s fall was broken by the fragile bones of a skeleton but Randal did not seem to care as he glared up at Wally. Suddenly a smug smirk crossed his face ‘You’ll never get back without me.’

‘You wanna bet?’ Wally mocked as he grabbed the map Randal had dropped when he had fallen. As Wally began to look for the closest portal out of the wasteland that surrounded them, Randal stood up and grabbed the skull of the skeleton from the ground, lifting it above his head as if it were some sort of macabre club.

‘Wally give that back’ Randal demanded as he slowly approached them.

‘Get out of the way Randal’ Wally said again, but this time he sounded a little apprehensive.

‘You give that back or I’ll take your head off!’ 

‘Randal,’ Wally warned, but Randal’s only response was to charge them. ‘Randal, NO!’ Wally shouted. As Randal threw the skull as hard as he could, every one ducked... and he missed spectacularly. The skull went soaring high over their heads and with a deafening crash the invisible barrier shattered into a thousand jagged pieces of glass thus revealing what had been hidden behind: an enormous castle shrouded in fog that could only be described as the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness.

‘We have found it,’ Wally quietly exclaimed. 

Randal stepped forward grabbing the map from Wally’s hand with a smug ‘Thank you’ as the group carefully stepped over the remaining shards of the barrier and began the trek up the winding staircase to the entrance of the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness.

The fortress loomed above them covered in sharp looking spires, innumerable arches and countless buttresses that continued on farther than the eye could see. Kevin was impressed; he certainly had never seen something like this in London but he also had the strange feeling that perhaps someplace called the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness wasn’t a place that little boys and Time Bandits should venture. Kevin thought that, like Randal had said, it was too late to go back now and he quietly followed the Time Bandits past the gigantic stone arch that led deeper into the fortress. Once they were inside, Kevin thought it was much like being in a museum or perhaps like that one time his class had gone to Buckingham Palace. It had the awe inspiring air of something ancient despite its decrepit state. The hall continued forever, only occasionally disrupted by a broken archway or a fallen pillar, and through it all the fog drifted and swirled.

~~~***~~~

Evil was ready. Truly he has been ready for centuries, but now for the first time he had a chance to escape: to at last take his rightful place as lord, king, emperor, whatever he wanted to be. To destroy the world and make it in His image, to finally do away with parrots and nipples for men and most of all to annihilate every slug that ever existed EVER!

‘Brilliant, Evil One,’ Robert commended as the silly little men fell right into his trap and right though his front door.

‘Is everything ready?’ Evil enquired as he watched the creatures he had created all by himself stand ready waiting for his order. They were masterpieces of evil, perfect in every way. Each stood 10 feet tall and draped in ragged black robes they had the skull of bulls and for hands they had only one large sharp bone finger. Perfect.

‘Yes Master’ replied Robert as Evil knew he would. There was no time for mistakes here. Evil smirked and inclined his head giving the signal for Robert to pull the lever and to begin the next stage of his evil plan.

~~~***~~~

Kevin had to admit when the door slammed shut behind them shutting out all light and leaving them is complete darkness, he had been a little scared. He was a bit preoccupied when the Time Bandits all of a sudden turned around and began trying to escape, pushing and shoving him back. He had just managed to retrieve his torch from his satchel when with a crash of thunder he was blinded by a sudden light and strangely the voice of the announcer from his parent’s favorite television show.

‘Yes folks, Moderna Designs present the latest in kitchen luxury, the Moderna Wonder-Major-All-Automatic-Convenience-Centerette’

Kevin squinted through the sudden brightness and sure enough there sat a set of fancy looking electronics on a podium, in the center of a maze. A host was standing on the steps that led up to the podium. He was dressed in a smart looking blue suit and tie and carried a clipboard in one hand. Kevin immediately disliked the man. Hosts, especially game show hosts, were all liars and cheats. This had learned from watching his parents’ shows.

‘And here they are!’ the host exclaimed, ‘the winners of the most fabulous object in the world, the answer to all their problems, and yours, is here, for them, tonight!’  
Kevin was not impressed; however apparently the Time Bandits were as they immediately began to traverse the maze.

‘Hey! Don’t go! Wait! You’re, mad! Come back!’ shouted Kevin but the Time Bandits were star struck and could not hear his warning.

The host grinned widely ‘Here they come so let’s give them a big welcome!’ he gestured towards the top of the stairs as a man and a woman dressed in sequined clothing began to daintily descend, ‘Oh Trevor, Dian; don’t they look lovely?’

Kevin’s eyes widened as he recognized them, ‘Mom!? Dad?’

The Time Bandits were almost finished the maze, ‘Come on, lead us in a big hand for the lucky winners,’ the host said as one of those fake recorded applauds echoed around the large empty room.

‘Come back! It’s a trap!’ Kevin cried one last time as the Time Bandits finally reached the end of the maze.

‘Fabulous,’ the Host commended them and the track finally ended with some fanfare. ‘Here they are. Congratulations! But before they can collect their prize, let’s just take a look at what made it possible for them to be here with us tonight. The map, please,’ the host demanded with a grin. Kevin’s parents frozen mid clap, the Time Bandits were completely bedazzled and noticed none of this and did not hesitate to hand over their most precious possession.

As soon as he had the map, the illusion disintegrated with another clap of thunder revealing Evil’s true identity. He could not help but laugh evily at the little men’s stupidity and the look on their faces as they recognized him, ‘ha ha ha ha ha.” 

The Time Bandits immediately recognized their mistake and tried to flee, but with one thought Evil had them trapped in an iron cage.

‘Let us out!’ they demanded, but Evil was no longer listening. He had what he wanted. He turned around with a dramatic swoosh of his cape and began to climb the stairs back to his throne room. He paused only once to declare.

‘I have the map. I have the map! And the day after tomorrow, the world.’

‘Oh no,’ whispered Kevin.

**Author's Note:**

> Did you like this? If so leave a comment below and I will translate the rest of the movie.


End file.
